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Sunday 25 February 2007

The Unwritten Rules of Men!!

Well...I guess they're written now. This is partly based on the one I put up on my Bebo many aeons ago, but thanks to the fine help of Mr Conway and Mr Dowdall, we have compiled a much more definitive list of The Unwritten Rules. This is also partly influenced by the fact that I see BoB every Friday night breaking some of them, and that my friends Grinds My Gears.

THE UNWRITTEN RULES OF MEN

The Ten Commandments:
  1. Thou shalt never kick thine buddy in the crotch.
  2. Thou shalt never hit a female companion...ever.
  3. Thou shalt let thine buddies know when you score.
  4. Thou shalt never make love in thine buddy's chamber.
  5. Thou shalt respect the lyrics of Stephen Lynch.
  6. Thou shalt never write more than Three X's at the end of a message.
  7. Thou shalt always extract sexual and/or childish meaning from a statement where possible.
  8. Thou shalt never hide your intentions from your mates in relation to your intentions over a woman.
  9. Thou shalt never aid a man who's fly is down. That is his problem, not yours.
  10. Thou shalt live by these priorities: 1) Sex, 2) Mates, 3) Sex.

The Circumstantial Rules:

  1. If it smells enough to be covered by deodrant, it's ok to wear.
  2. Never steal your buddy's lady.
  3. Never stand next to another guy at a urinal, always leave an empty one.
  4. Urinals...eyes forward...always. Staring at the ceiling or straight downwards is perfectly acceptable, as long as your vision remains in the vertical plane between you and the urinal.
  5. The question as whether to shave or not can be decided on the basis of whether you are seeing the ladyfriend that day. It is perfectly acceptable to go unshaven in male company.
  6. Leaving the toilet seat up is not an issue.
  7. When in doubt in an argument and/or you know you are defeated, storm off, preferably slamming the door and/or hitting some breakable object on the way out.
  8. Always let them think they won the argument.
  9. Your mates will always understand why you can't see the match with them using two simple words: "Can't, busy!"
  10. Acting gay with each other is only ok in a chicken style to determine the alpha male.
  11. In the unlikely event that your mate asks you: "Does my bum/ass look in big in this?", you respond truthfully in a non-homosexual way.
  12. When in an argument with female company, fellas will always stick together, regardless of whether your mate is right or wrong.
  13. Making fun of female company in a serious manner is totally unacceptable.
  14. Farting in male company is totally acceptable. Compliments regarding loudness, wetness, strength as well as resilience are mandatory. A duel may ensue.
  15. Men will only appear to be a metro-sexual on the days when seeing the ladyfriend.
  16. It is perfectly acceptable for you and your mates to stare at a woman's cleavage/ass. A universal rating is a mandatory supplement.
  17. Yes and No are adequate answers for all questions.
  18. Tipping is only ok if the waitress is exceptionally attractive and the ladyfriend is not present. If the ladyfriend is there, only a waiter may be tipped, and this is purely to look good, even if the waiter is a dumbass motherfucker who made a complete arse of your order.
  19. Only check out other women when your ladyfriend is present by use of mirrors. Use the peripherals.
  20. Never under any circumstances side with the ladyfriends' friends when they are in a disagreement with each other.
  21. The following sentence may only be used as an escape route for having ignored rule No. 19. : "Would you look at your one!! What was she thinking?"
  22. Shopping for a gift for the ladyfriend is only to be enjoyed if you love her.
  23. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  24. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master, (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts to unbutton her blouse, (c) After wrecking your bosses car, (d) 1 hour, 27 mins and 37 seconds into "The Crying Game" and (e) When she is using her teeth.
  25. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and have his carcass fed to the dogs.
  26. Unless he muredered someone in your family or the ladyfriend, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.
  27. If you've known a guy for over 24 hours his sister is strictly off limits, unless you marry her of course.
  28. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mates fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  29. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. Cards are allowed so long as they contain a sexual and/or childish joke.
  30. No man shall ever but an "X" on another man's card.
  31. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.
  32. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
  33. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
  34. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ..and it's free.
  35. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
  36. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Not negotiatable. Issue closed.
  37. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
  38. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  39. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
  40. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
  41. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
  42. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! (c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
  43. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. In check with rule No.4, vision must remain forward whilst in conversation. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
  44. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
  45. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
  46. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
  47. A man shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
  48. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360/Playstation 3. End of story.
  49. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
  50. Slapping another guy on the ass is only allowed in good fun. Not with intention. Slapping women on the ass without permission is unacceptable. Get permission first.

I do believe that is quite comprehensive. If I have left any out please do leave it in the comments.

~Damien

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