Some things I've learned....

(1) An Engineer can do with 10 cent what a fool can do with a Euro.

(2) "Puff" - unimportant; insignificant; unworthy of study by engineering students; waste of time

(3) It's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're stupid than to open it and prove them right!

(4) Blockwork people and concrete people can never work on the same site... Apparently they don't like each other....

(5) It's official; I'm fantastic!

Wednesday 7 March 2007

Grinds My Gears - Issue 4

This one is going to tackle the abomination of the modern world, Medusa's hair, the paper cut you get from a fresh 1000 page Physics book, the lumby bits in vomit, the spam in your inbox, the bits of onion you find in a roll from the Kokonut, the stuff you get in your eyes when you wake up in the morning, the lint from your bellybutton.....aka Paris Hilton.

I'm not sure where to begin really, there's a lot of material to go on, so I'll do my best to try and explain to you why Paris Hilton wears by abrasion my assembly that performs a specific function in a larger machine; or Grinds My Gears for short.

Okay then..Paris Hilton: according to wikipedia, she is a singer, actress and fashion model. Unofficially she is also of course a stupid spoiled whore (South Park), an unlicenced porn star and many more. Why is she famous? Much like Jade Goody, this illudes the best of us, she is an heiress to the share of the Hilton Hotel fortune and the real estate fortune of her father. What did she do? What merits her stardom? Nothing. She has done nothing. Much like Jade Goody, she has a "career" which she shouldn't have. It's only because of the fact that she has a lot of money that she is an "actress", "singer" and "fashion model". I use the inverted commas there because as we all know, she is in reality none of these.

Like Big Brother, her popularity stuns me. People seem to like her...and idolise her??? What are they thinking? South Park hit the nail on the head in the episode featuring Paris Hilton. Everything was perfect. In Sweet 16, there was one girl who (like Paris Hilton) will be an heiress to a fortune, and wants to be (and I quote): "Just like Paris Hiltion". Honestly. Will she release "stolen" sex tapes too? I'm pretty sure it's illegal for 16 year old to do that anyway.

Her music career. Well...she has one only because she has a lot of money....and wants to make more. Like all female popstars, little girls want to be just like them. Britney and Christina had the same thing for a while, but I'm pretty sure that most sane girls don't want to be like Britney anymore....unless they want to have two babies one after the other, marry a nobody, get pissed, go commando and shave their heads.....But anyway, this is about Ms. Hilton. Her acting the music one, she only has it because she has money, and if people see that she stars in a film, they'll go to see it...because everybody loves Paris Hilton. I wouldn't go see a film just because she's in it. Now Sarah Michelle Gellar....definitely...that's the only reason I agreed to go see Scooby Doo!! Her TV career was inspired by her sudden fame for her inheritence. Starring in The Simple Life for four series I think alongside Nicole Richie. Needless to say I didn't watch any of it. I would sooner watch Celebrity Love Island...well....maybe. It fits into the character of 'cancer' for TV, whilst I'd say Paris herself is close to AIDS status.

Now the interesting bit. It seems that when Paris isn't in the news enough, she needs to get into the news. This usually happens in three ways. One: get drunk, get pulled over and make sure people see it happen. Two: go out clubbing with her best mates Britney and Lindsay, making sure they are wearing no underwear so the cameras can get a nice and clear worms-eye view of you know where. Or Three: release a sex tape. Sorry. Did I say 'release'? I meant, have one stolen. I'm sure that when (or more so if) someone breaks into Paris' house, they go to the big press marked: "Secret Sex Tapes" and steal one or two. As far as I know there are only three stolen ones: the one with her boyfriend and nightcam, the lesbian one, and the new one featuring some dude, Paris and a bathtub. To further increase the popularity of these sex tapes (and there is no doubt that they are popular), Paris will try to steal one from some video store. In one of VH1's "Celebrity Scandals" or whatever its called, they showed a clip of Paris stealing one video from a shelf, where the entire shelf was full of them. I'm sure the clerk would've given it to her for free if she needed to see herself in action.

Other interesting areas include Paris' phone...that was....guess...stolen. Including 100's of Celebrity numbers and what not. Now that was entertainment. To make matters better, the numbers contained in the phone were uploaded to the internet. Also included in the phone were pictures of her naked and I think a few others aswell. She obviously had forgotten what her breasts had looked like from the time she got dressed to the time she got into the car. Though with Paris she probably goes a few days without changing given that she's such a party gal. But she would need to get undressed to have video taped sex with all those men....or maybe she doesn't get un-dressed for them at all......

What else could Paris still do? Well I think she's covered the sex industry quite well enough, I'm not sure whether there's anything left for her to do there. Maybe do some directing?

I guess the only thing she can do now is star in Big Brother. If sooo many people love Paris and sooo many people love Big Brother...I would be incredible...and not 'incredible' in a good way. The AIDS of the Celebworld hand-in-hand with the AIDS of TV.....the media....I would be a massive tidal wave of sex, scandal, bitch fights and everything. And what's worse is that her "career" would probably still be intact after being on Big Brother...and everyone would still love her. She needs to be terminated.........soon.

Over and out from the DIA Dungeons.

~The Damo Volcano

1 comment:

Ann Marie said...

I resent anyone calling her a singer. Thse songs were beyond terrible.