Best Article In History!

Possibly the best article written in the history of articles. All credit goes to Uncyclopedia for this masterpiece.

"Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, there have been many mass debates on the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings.

A common problem with sexual innuendo is the recipient being unable to wrap their hands around the intended meaning. In this case, an individual using sexual innuendo will often start slow and eventually build up, increasing depth more and more until the recipient feels the actual thrust of the point and the innuendo climaxes. An innuendo is always the most pleasing when no one sees it coming, often by entering the mind through the rear. Some skilled people are even able to use several sexual innuendos quickly in succession, resulting in multiple innuendo-esque climaxes. Key phrases can grasp the sentence by the ankles and part its long clauses allowing the orator to penetrate the essence of the sentence.

In this regard, the key is to avoid stiff, rigid words, for ones that give the meaning of the sentence a firm rise in innuendic possibilities. Some regard sexual innuendo as an art form, and it goes without saying that one needs a certain level of oral skills in order for the fluidic exchange of innuendo to succeed. However, this is not enough to fill her requirements. One needs to pay special attention to the region of the sentence to which the innuendo will enter. For lasting effects, it is most important to enter deep within the recipient's consciousness and to ensure that all of the seeds of humor have flowed forth. This is not an easy task for most people, so it is only through rigorous repetition of the insertion of sexual innuendo that one can fully master the uplifting effects it can have on vocabulary.

Although sexual innuendo requires masterful manipulation of parts of speech (and sometimes the skillful use of body language), for most people it comes quickly. There is currently much debate over whether an extended innuendo can substitute for technique, for example:
A blonde asked a barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one."

Don't you think?

~The Damo

Women are Evil!!!

Don't miss "The Shannon Debate" post below.

Yes folks, it's fact! Women are evil. Thanks to the mathematical genius' or is it genii over at Uncyclopedia, we have concrete mathematical proof that women are evil.

Finally we have some clarity on the matter!

~The Damo

The Shannon Debate

As many of you will know, "The Shannon Debate" is the hot topic on the Irish news front at the moment. As a Dubliner (or Paler as the "West" would say), I can't say I feel too strongly about this topic, but it's gotten to the point where there's a lot of whinging and moaning and I figured it was an appropriate time to address the issue and give my opinion on the matter.

THE FACTS:

1. Aer Lingus has cut its Shannon-Heathrow slot and moved it to Belfast.

2. The people in the West of Ireland are very pissed off!

3. People think the Government should intervene.

4. Shannon Airport is a disaster anyway.

So the basic story is that Aer Lingus has decided to cut its service to Heathrow from Shannon and the people of the region feel that is a disaster for the West of Ireland. RTE.ie are running a poll, and so far (when I last checked) the "Situation is over-exaggerated" option is winning out, and fact of the matter is, I agree.

First and foremost this is not (and never should have been) a Government Issue. Aer Lingus is a private company, yes the Government has a 25% stake in the airline, but guess what folks, you have to own at least 51% of any company to make the decisions, Government or not! The only reason they own 25% is to prevent Ryanair taking over Aer Lingus. Don't get me wrong now, I don't like Aer Lingus nor do I like Ryanair, but realisitcally I think they are well within their rights to end the Heathrow service. What annoys me most though here is that the people there must still think Heathrow is the centre of the world!! From what I've read and heard from people I know, Shannon is the most inconvenient place in Europe. All flights to Dublin or the UK from the USA have to stop there for an hour, but apparently new laws will eventually make this stopover unnecessary.

One has to remember that the Aer Lingus decision is based on any decision a business has to make and base it on commercial interests over sentimentality. Thanks to sliabh.net, I was able to pick up some interesting information regarding the debate. In a supposed unbiased interview on RTE, the interviewer implied that Aer Lingus is supposed to act more like the Department of Social Welfare and prop up the local economy in the area like some charity. Wake up people, commercial bodies have no such duty. One person on TV I think it was, could've been radio, as the TV and radio were on simultaneously, stated: "It's the West against the Pale". This somehow implies that the whole debate is a regional and social dog fight mixed with Dublin, and not what it truly is which is a very legitimate corporate decision.

Not having used Shannon myself, I wouldn't be able to comment on the quality of the Airport without having done some research. From several sources, the conclusion can be drawn that Shannon is a mess. One website suggested the airport "might as well be in Southern Italy the way it's run". Without being born before Shannon was built and living through its progression as an Airport I had to look deeper and during the research I learned that Shannon itself has been protected by local politicans for years, pushing forward the "forced stop-over" I mentioned earlier above all things. Another area which suggested bad management at Shannon was the "Fast-Pass self Check in system" installed by Aer Lingus. Dozens of these terminals were installed in Dublin, Cork and even JFK. What about Shannon? Only 2. Why? Local resistance in protest against a system which would make check-ins and overall service in the airport more efficient. Is it any wonder why Aer Lingus want to get the hell out of there???

People are protesting now. Just wait till the forced stop-over is lifted next year and all the big US airlines will pull out too. The EU is watching Governments that try to intervene in matters such as this and ours is no exception!

One comment during the research made an excellent point. Thanks "Kieran" whoever you may be. In his comment, he wanted to know how did the region let itself get so dependent on one service from one airline? Kieran points out that the region itself got into this mess, and only they can get themselves out of it. Good man Kieran!

Personally, I support Aer Lingus in this matter. Not that I was overly interested when I first heard the issue, but when I started to hear all the bull that started after it, I had far more sympathy for them than I had for people of the region.

Bottom line is this:- Aer Lingus are a company and made a commercial decision to leave. The Government has no say as it does not own the company, so you can't go crying to them. Given how bad service at Shannon is, is it really any surprise that Aer Lingus pulled out? Do they expect someone else to fill it up with a service so bad? The whole thing is blown out of proportion if you ask me. If a region has to depend on one service to keep its economy going then there is something wrong there, and no one but the region folk themselves can sort that out. One also has to wonder why we have Shannon airport that is so close to Cork? Cork being a far more interesting place to go ahead of Shannon anyway.

Is the end of Shannon nigh? If you ask me...yes. Not because of the Aer Lingus move, but more on reality. Next year, the EU will have the stop-over clause removed entirely rather than it being relaxed, which will have an obvious effect. The other big deal is the Terminal 2 at Dublin Airport. With the capacity to handle more passengers the effect of this is also evident. Yes Shannon has its perks, being listed as a potential emergency landing zone for the NASA space shuttle, the testing grounds of the now unused Concorde aswell as technically being the only airport in Ireland to be able to accomodate an Airbus A380, but let's face it, the day will never come when Shannon will be supporting an A380 service anyway.

This blog may be of interest, as it seems to be written by a local resident, who feels so strongly over the matter that he has dedicated a blogspot to it: http://aerlingussnnlhr.blogspot.com/

I wonder when I'll be writing a "Time to Let It Go" blog about this one.....

~The Damo

Time to Let It Go

Before I begin this blog, I would like to point out that some people may find it a bit controversial, and while the two main topics are of a very serious matter in themselves, my own opinions here reflect what I perceive through their media attention, not my direct feelings relating to the two cases.

The first one is the most recent topic, that being the disappearance of Madeline McCann. I'm not going to comment on what I believe may or may not have gone on, what I do want to mention however is the media coverage. The main thing here is that this has been a regular news item, particularly on Sky News, for more than 120 days now. Yes, for the first few weeks media coverage was essential, naturally of course, but recently it is now all about the parents. They're going to sue Portugeuse news papers for writing "lurid allegations" about their daughter. At this stage, people don't want to know. The issue is finding the missing child. More to the point, they have two other children - twins - who are suffering aswell. I can't say for sure that this case is the most publicised case in history, but after 120 days with no real hardcore leads...shouldn't they come home?

I'm not criticising the coverage when it relates to any leads regarding Madeline herself, but the fact of the matter is...there aren't any leads. The whole thing has got to end somehow and the only way I can see that happening is if the parents come home, the longer they stay the worse it will get. Yes, I understand that as parents they want to be there, but there is nothing they can do, because all that they are doing is drawing media attention, which so far hasn't help them find Madeline any quicker.

The other thing is also an English related story and that is Princess Diana. Ten years ago now, and I remember the day well, as my friends up the road had a huge Lego set spread out on the floor in the TV room representing Diana's funeral. Yes it was the anniversary recently, but let's not forget that there was also a concert (which was terrible) in Wembley in her honour, and the tabloids give anything Diana related inhumane amounts of coverage. Again, like the Madeline media coverage, is it not time to let this go. I mean really, I don't dislike the woman or anything of the sort, but I find it annoying that I flick to Sky for real news and they are instead interviewing an author of yet another Diana book. Can they not let the woman rest in peace, and cut all this attention? Yes we all have memorial ceremonies, and yes it IS a member of the Royal Family, but should these things not be more toned down?

Am I being too harsh?

~The Damo

What it Does and Doesn't Do

This debate has accelerated in prominence over the last three or four years and can only increase in the years to come. "What it Does and Doesn't Do". I'm talking about all the gadgets and gizmos, the nicks and nacks that we cherish in our modern society. Everything is affected, from TV's to cuddly toys, all the way to the humble home telephone.

Let's take a trip back to the age of the mobile phone. In the beginning, as Saved By the Bell fans will remember, mobile phones were as far from mobile as I am getting up for college at 6am. They were huge, brick-like demons, which ran on single cell battery power and had an antenna as long as a Pepperami. Then, the device was cut down, to just larger than todays modern phones, still keeping in touch with the basic funtionality of the phone, which was to make phone calls. This was fine. It was simply improving the functionality and robustness of a device to make it more convenient for the user. Great. Text messages were introduced. Still great. Why? As text messages were (and still are) a form of communication, and it seemed appropriate that such a communication add-on was related to the mobile phone.

The years past and the basic premise of phone calls and text messaging remained the same. So what changed? The thing that changed, and is still the forerunner in deciding on a mobile phone today is what my phone does that the other ones don't do. Whether its taking a 5 million pixel photo, or being able to hold 100 songs is now the prominent decision in phone shopping. How is it that those things, which aren't related to the premise of making a phone call, decide how one should buy a mobile phone? As I see it presently, Apple are the main criminals on this front, thanks to the introduction of the iPhone.

Let's move on to music. We all had either a Walkman or a Discman back in the day. Hell it was great, we could go for a walk and listen to music at the same time....music that we didn't have to make up or try to remember in our heads!! Then came a revelation! The mp3, or at the time, the iPod. As many of you will know, I don't like Apple, but nevertheless, the iPod was a mastercraft in music playing technology. Now we could hold thousands of songs on this pocket-sized device, as opposed to a single cd's worth on a cd player as large as my hand. Things changed soon after. Apple decided: "Why don't we let people put photos on our iPod, so they can have something to look at?". Why oh why would someone incorporate photos to a music playing device. MY own mp3, a Creative Zen, plays only music, and that's all I ever wanted it to do, I've had it for 2 years now and not once have I considered to replace it.

Apple didn't stop there though. Then they decided to introduce videos to a music playing device. Nice isn't it. Instead of listening to your favourite band, you can now not only look at photos of last nights party, but you can also watch music videos of the band you used to just listen to. Move over music player, now I can watch, listen and reminisce. What's next, a vibrate function when the battery is low, or when its time to change songs?

For me, things like the Camera and Video Camera have managed to hold true to their purpose. They both still do what they're supposed to, and all the recent technological breakthroughs have only improved this functionality, changing tapes to flash cards or discs etc. TV's are a funny one, on one hand they've improved thanks to LCD, HD and all that, but why then do Philips advertise a TV with back lights, that change at the touch of a button? When did TV's become responsible for room lighting effects in such a way?

The gaming industry is also guilty of this 'What it Does and Doesn't Do' disaster, though it's more hidden and secret than the others. For me, this starts right after the release of the PS2. With the PS2, for the first time ever, people could watch DVD's on a gaming system. This wasn't so bad at the time, because DVD players were quite expensive, and in the PS2 there was a convenitent alternative to forking out big money for a DVD player which didn't also play games. Then the Xbox and its successor the Xbox 360 hit the shelves, and things changed. The premise behind the hype over the 360 was what it could do more than the PS2 could, namely a very impressive online gaming function and the ability for wireless controllers. Sony's response with the PS3 was equally as bad as the 360. With the PS3 you now had up to 7 wireless players at once as standard, the ability to browse the net, play DVDs and BRDVDs, not to mention the ability to hook up your camera and upload photos to the PS3 browser and set security settings. Even look at the Wii! Nintendo figured they'd go all out and throw a whole online community into their console, not to mention deciding they'd be totally different than everyone else and make controllers that you can juggle, throw over your head, swing like skipping ropes, all so you can play the damn thing!!

Currently, both the 360 and the PS3 share these features. What was once a gaming system is now a DVD player, a music player, a photo album, a video collection, an internet browser, a text messager and god knows what else I haven't found on it yet.

With all these extra functionalities being introduced, as well as more and more devices being subject to these add-ons...in time, how will we distinguish one thing from the other. At present, both the 360 and the PS3 can do almost everything a PC can do, at much faster speeds. The only thing that we recognise as a PC is the classic tower CPU and large monitor with keyboard and mouse. Consoles have replaced all these with the X button and an analog. Where will we draw the line between mobile phones and music devices? Will my TV eventually be able to make me a cup of tea or a bag of popcorn so I don't even have to leave the room? Will the toilet wipe us clean for us? Or how long will it be until my watch can make video phone calls like in Thunderbirds???

Your thoughts?

~The Damo

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

A few months back I wrote a pretty 'darkened' blog about the Games Workshop situation and it's future, but in recent months I've come to change that opinion.

In the initial stages, I outlined that one of the key problems was GW addressing its proper fan-base, and not cashing in on LoTR. At the time, we were forced to endure three waves of LoTR releases, but thankfully, that has now changed.

Currently the (general) release list is set as follows:

September - Chaos Space Marines (40K)

October - Apocalypse (a 40K Expansion)

November - High Elves (Fantasy)

December - Still High Elves and Early Orks

January - Orks (40K)

As you can see, no LoTR, yippee!!!

One of the other areas I touched on was GW's monthly magazine: "White Dwarf". I criticised the magazines drastically dropping standards, cutting corners with articles and instead filling the pages with the latest gizmos and gadgets. Thankfully, my opinion on WD has changed too. The GW community convincingly agrees that WD is on the up and up. We're not too sure why this is, perhaps it's a change of staff or they were indeed reading all the suggestions. Long story short, things are getting better.

What perhaps is helping to make WD a better magazine is the standard of sculpts that GW is putting out. Far more models are now made in plastic than in metal, and as a result, the various kits are more useful and dynamic. The change to plastic is greatly due to the improvements in casting and design technology over the years, as previously, metal models used to be the most finely detailed. This change in tactic is good for the customer aswell, as plastic is cheaper to purchase too, allowing GW to put together large 'Mega Deals' like they're showcasing online for the imminent 'Apocalypse' release, which will take the scale of WH40K games to a whole new level.

Below I have pictures of the old and new High Elves miniatures, showing you just how far the sculpts have come. Note: I collect High Elves, so this is in particular quite interesting for me!

Korhil - Captain of the White Lions

I'll leave it at that for the moment, because I really need a more efficient way to upload these pics, let's treat them as a sample so.

Bow to the King!!

~The Damo

Grinds My Gears!! - Issue 9

In all these Grinds My Gears posts, I stick very closely to not mentioning people in particular, notable exceptions include Paris Hilton and the brief reference to the 'RTE Panel' and that darn columnist from the Leinster Express. But up till now, I've never mentioned anyone that I know, but now my friends....that time has come....Behold!

These are various images of the said person I'm about to give a right trashing. As you can see, his physique and looks change drastically.

I'm going to do my best to keep this guy anonymous, but he's up to so much now, that I just can't keep it in anymore. If you see him, give him a good hard potential energy converting to kinetic energy kick in the balls from me.

Where to start? Let's take you back to 6th year Chemistry, the cheek of him to get 108% in an exam. How dare he??? Like if he's going to do the impossible he should at least tell us beforehand. Sure he might own a multi-million euro business empire, but thats no reason to hate him is it? So what if he started a war in Yemen, and wreaked havoc across the French countryside, poisoning the maize and wine crop.

Well I'm going to tell you what pisses me off most!! First of all, that dress sense, shirt and jeans....where the hell did he get that from? Not to mention the fact that black and black doesn't go together, neither does a slightly patterend blue and white shirt go with bluey jeans, nor does khaki trousers go with a beize and white shirt... Never! At least my dress sense is better than his!

Now let's get on to his blog, cause I have a lot to say. First of all, he regularly posts the AVGN videos, which unfortunately I have to admit I'm grateful for, since the Nerd stopped posting on youtube and this guy seems to have the right links to all the videos. Put what DOES piss me off, is that he has the nerve to write up blogs about stuff that pisses him off, I mean who does he think he is? Secondly, most of his blogs are WAY too long, and he usually goes into too much detail. That's another yoke I can't stand about him, he always looks into everything, and works stuff out in his head to the Xtreme, postulating all known probabilites and possibilities. And another thing, why does he always sign off as 'The Damo', who has the right to put the prefix 'THE' before their name, only The Queen, and The President or The Silent Assassin is allowed to have something like that. He also has those stupid little one line pieces before the end, like their lyrics from songs or words from a TV programme or something!

What's more, he always signs off comments in blogs or the final message on the phone with XXX. Who's he trying to fool?? We all know this guy has no sense of affection or anything like that, not to mention he seems to be void of all emotion except for rage...as in his blogs. And what's with all the Red Dwarf stuff anyway? It's not even funny, it only had 8 seasons, 64 episodes, a huge fan base and an International Emmy award for Season 6. All the cast are washed up has-beens, two have their own shows on Discovery Channel, another's in Coronation Street and another is in movies.

And why does he listen to metal music? Metallica and Megadeth, not to mention Iron Maiden and Pantera aren't even that good!! It's just the same crap all over again, them and their anti-religious vibes, satanic worshipping metal heads.

Now let's get on to people!!! Cause this has got to piss me off the most! All he does is chat to them, listen to what's on their mind and help them out if their troubled by something!!! He always bleedin tries to lighten the mood or end awkward silences and he'll always help out someone in need! Who's he trying to fool? Who wants someone to text them wishing them a happy birthday or invite them out for some drinks? Honestly, this guy has to get his act together. Why does he even bother to compliment people? He's too selfless and considerate...you know what, I can't write anymore or my head will explode.

What the hell is THE EDGE that he's talking about over on the right anyway????

~Anonymous